Sunday, August 14, 2005

Where minor rebellions ponder throwing in the towel

Nobody ever said that formenting revolutions was easy. As Cynical-C noted; we have vodka, we have kitty, but where the hell are my ninjas? This is a shout out to all sufferers of slumber interruptus, SoSI. Brethren, your would-be leader is flagging here and some of you are showing signs of, dare I say it, mental defect.

This all started with my call to all late risers to protect their right to have a proper sleep in by adding their two cents to the Sleeper's Bill of Rights. And it would have ended there too, if I hadn't discovered the tragic yet inspiring case of DeAnn Miller-Boschert and her proactive dumbelling of her snoring husband's head. Right on, I thought. Power to the sister. We, the sleep deprived, needed to do more than just talk and stab the occasional spouse in the arm with a ball point pen. So obviously, I'm not averse to a little non-lethal, erm, persuasion.


But no, said the non-violent; notably all men; whacking husbands in the noggin is just wrong. Rubbish. But I'm a reasonable rabble rouser, I am; so acknowledging the possibility that aggravated assault might be tactically speaking a bit extreme; I suggested therapy. Not for the SoSI, don't be ridiculous, we're not the problem. A little voice training to tone up those flagging soft palates might just do the trick, for the snorers at least. I mean really, who other than a man would complain about having to learn to sing a few show tunes in lieu of getting a cap in their arses? It's not like you all had to sing "Doe, a deer"; you could have just as easily sung something manly, like um... Hmm, I'll have to get back to you on that.

Now, quite possibly, just to annoy me those meddlesome eggheads have weighed in, and are now claiming that it's just not your fault.
Snorers have narrower throats, with the loudest snorers having the narrowest throats.

Slovenian doctors used scanners to measure the size and shape of the mouths of 40 volunteers, including 14 loud snorers. The group included similar numbers of light snorers and non-snorers.

It was found the noisiest had the narrowest throats - 8.6 times narrower than their mouths.
Well that bears further investigation, but back to my SoSI. Just a word or two of caution. Being 81 years old does not automatically earn you the title 'crazy ol' codger'; but shooting at fire fighting choppers certainly does.
An 81-year-old Frenchman has been given a one-year suspended jail sentence for firing a hunting rifle at helicopters dropping water on a forest blaze.

David Thiel opened fire on 21 July when the low-flying helicopters disturbed his afternoon nap near Grasse in the south of France, court sources said.

During his arrest the man swore at the policemen and hit them with saucepans.
Shooting at the po-po, I tell you. How am I supposed to work with recruits like these? SoSI, it's time to look within our ranks and weed out the wingnuts. We'll keep them fed and watered in preparation for the final push.

Oh and by the way slackers, I'm still waiting for those sign up forms. My records show that over 95% of you have failed to turn them in.

5 Ninjas, 1 Kitten and a Fifth of Vodka!