Friday, May 26, 2006

Snark of the Week: "F*#! Barry Bonds"

I couldn't give two hooves about baseball. Stupes! Why should I, when there's a perfectly sensible alternative to that game of jacked-up rounders. That's right - cricket! However, having all the athletic ability of a rheumatic slug, I've formed strong opinions about sporting cheats. 'Cause I'm no namby-pamby fan. I root hard core. Which is why Barry Bonds' continued presence in Major League Baseball and on my television set pisses me off. From "The Onion Sports" a wee bit of wishful thinking:
Major League Baseball has specified that the 'F'-asterisk-pound sign-exclamation point symbol will only appear next to Bonds' name in the all-time home-run category, with his name in other categories to be accompanied by symbols more fitting for that particular one, including: an "at" symbol, two dollar signs, a pound sign, an asterisk, and Nos. 1 and 3 (@$$#*13) next to his single-season home-run total of 73; two series of five asterisks-the first preceded by the letter 'M' and the second preceded by the letter 'F' (M***** F*****)-next to his single-season slugging-percentage record of .863; and a sequence of letters reading "The bastard used to be pretty goddamn good in his own right without the fucking steroids" next to his eight Gold Glove Awards.

"F*#! Barry Bonds, 714 F*#!^&% home runs," Selig said, reading a line out of the most updated version of this year's record book. "F*#! Barry Bonds."
(Link, Image credit: Barry Bonds BALCO bobblehead doll available from The Homerun Guys)

5 Ninjas, 1 Kitten and a Fifth of Vodka!