Friday, May 19, 2006

Crunchy coffee: A recipe for disaster

You will need the following:
  • 1 somewhat busted arse coffee maker
  • 1 aging stove, with busted arse control knobs, which requires the user to possess some measure of psychic ability in order to gauge flame settings
    (Note: It is especially helpful if both appliances "buy it" during a 48hr period. This adds to the romanticism of the thing, kinda like using a Parisian window sill to double as your home dairy section. Viewed correctly, it's all terribly left-bank.)
  • 1 small, apparently not stainless, steel strainer of dubious origin
    (Note: This last item is essential due to a total want of coffee filters; which in turn is due to an inexplicable islandwide shortage; which is quite possibly due to the fact that all the island's supermarkets are now owned by like 2 guys.)
  • 3 scoops generic store brand ground coffee, preferably burnt dark roast
  • 1 half pot of disturbingly clouded tap water
    (Note: Water, courtesy of the soon to be privatized water company; 'cause it's time Lucians start paying much more for the twin privileges of not contracting Belhazia and the daily exhilaration of guessing, "is there enough water left in my tank for my bi-weekly full shower".
  • 1 boyfriend in absentia, hereinafter refered to as The Man, to ratchet up the self-piting poignancy of the "my life is a dark hellacious pit" moment
  • 1 alarmingly leaky propane tank; which must be disconnected from stove with every use; or else it's "look-it mommy, pyrotechnics" time
  • 1 tea towel placed strategically on adjacent burner
  • 1 pack of extra-long matches, in perfect working order


Proceed at will. Please note, however, that you will not have realised the full crunchy coffee experience if you do not, during the course of things, achieve the following:
  1. Receive a mild electric shock from busted arse coffee maker; which may, or may not, have something to do with the puddle next to the transformer
  2. Burn thumb and forefinger with match while; wondering why there isn't any gas coming out, figuring out that the tank needs to be hooked up, hooking up the tank, turning on the wrong burner, staring uncomprehendingly at stove for a few seconds, correcting mistake, shrieking in alarm/pain/generalised disgust...
  3. Mop up after 1 boiled over pot of water+coffee grinds with tea towel
  4. Add more water
  5. Leave kitchen momentarily to google recipe for wholewheat bread
  6. Receive a 404 error
  7. Flambé the tea towel
  8. Scream like a little girl, grab towel and fling it into sink
  9. Strain sludge coffee while studiously refusing to speculate on source of notable stains on basket of stainless steel strainer
  10. Slurp down a thoroughly unsatisfying mug of high fibre crunchy coffee
  11. Remark 2 hours thence, "Hmm, I smell - oh shit! Fuck! Gas!"
  12. Attempt to email The Man in order to share pain and watch the message go no-effing-where, thanks to those effing bastards at the effing phone company
  13. Attempt to post episode in order to share pain and watch post go no-effing... [sigh]
  14. Acknowledge the futility of situation
  15. Make fresh cup of crunchy coffee

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5 Ninjas, 1 Kitten and a Fifth of Vodka!