Sunday, October 02, 2005

Snark of the Week: Celebrity Love and Marriage

Bill Stockton outlines a position which I've long advanced but which has thus far only garnered me responses of the "well honestly, dorna!" variety.
The National Marriage Standards Bureau ruling that the length of a celebrity marriage should be treated like a dog's age strikes me as long overdue...

This courageous ruling by the National Marriage Standards Bureau provides us with a badly needed moral compass. Now we have a metric with which to gauge celebrities who cohabitate, then marry, and ultimately divorce...

Which brings us to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and the question of cohabitation (shacking up if you come from another era).
Here again, the National Marriage Standards Bureau has taken the courageous route. It decreed that when celebrities are involved, cohabitation is the same as marriage. So although Tom and Katie are expected to formally marry sometime in the future, they are already married in the eyes of the Bureau.

This means that they already have more than three dog years under their belts. That's an excellent track record by Scientology standards.

I do want to raise one concern about the Bureau's decree that I spotted in the Appendix. It's not clear how one defines cohabitation. When does "sleeping around" evolve into "seeing each other regularly" and then evolve into "cohabitation"? Also, a definition for cohabitation needs to address whether sexual penetration has to occur for it to truly be cohabitation or whether penetration is optional. (This would appear to be particularly relevant in the Cruise-Holmes case, at least based media reports.)
From the Satirium article "Celebrities Granted Dog Age Marriage Standard".

5 Ninjas, 1 Kitten and a Fifth of Vodka!