The Guabancex Blog

Things to do when your caffeinated arse has been up for 3 days...

2007-07-20T08:59:00.000-04:00

Thing: Meme, meme, meme, meme...

Directions:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

Here's what I ended up with -->

1. The song you run down the aisles of Wal-Mart singing:
Fashionably Delicious – Anthony Hugh

2. The song that was playing in the doctor's office when you were born:
Lies – Thompson Twins

3. The song your mom sang to you when you when you were a baby:
Bring Me To Life - Evanesence

4. Your first favorite song:
Confusion – New Order

5. Your theme song:
Human – Human League

6. Song playing in the car on the first day of school:
Gone – Chris Daughtry

7. Song playing during your first kiss:
Better Days – Goo Goo Dolls

8. Graduating Class song:
Return – Eric Paul

9. Wedding song:
All These Things That I’ve Done – The Killers

10. Song playing while you're on your death bed:
Satellite – Dave Mathews Band

11. Song playing at your funeral:
Alcoholic - Starsailor

12. Song everyone remembers you by:
I Write Sins Not Tragedies – Panic! At the disco

13. Song you're going to title this survey as:
Icky Thump – The White Stripes

Leave your results in the comment thingy if you please.

'Ware the ever expanding arse!

2007-07-07T13:29:00.000-04:00

Note to self: Keep a close eye on "friends" bearing cameras.

Things to do when you're incensed...

2007-03-03T16:37:00.000-04:00

Thing: Open up a can of whoop-arse.

You know, I'm not one to generally make a big thing of the burden of being black, er, brown, er non-caucasoid - oh whatever - but I'll just say this much; this kind of shit doesn't make it any easier for the rest of us:

A bogus forensic psychologist...Jamaican-born Gene Morrison, 48, was described in court as a charlatan who had tricked judges, lawyers and police.

About 700 cases he worked over 26 years, across the UK, will now have to be re-assessed, Manchester's Minshull Street Crown Court was told.

And how does Dr Morrison (gotta call him doctor, he kinda insists on it) explain this, uh, unfortunate set of circumstances not to mention his questionable qualifications? Well it's quite straight forward.

He's like totally qualified to call himself a forensic investigator, 'cause he's like a private detective, or investigator if you will; and 'cause he employs these like mad scientific skillz which he accrued from his studies with this totally super German outfit (or was it Czech - can't remember which) and he got a PHD from the University of WTF in Massachusetts.

...

Can we say "Public flogging"?

...

Yes, yes, I think we can.

Check out the transcript of his police interview HERE.

Loosed words: "What do I make?"

2007-02-14T09:19:00.000-04:00

OR,

Slam poet Taylor Mali explains why teachers kick arse...

Things to do when you're bored (and haven't posted in donkey years)...

2007-02-12T20:41:00.000-04:00

Thing: Repost comments/thinly veiled dissertations of the conspiracy theory ilk on long forgotten blog entries...

Some bloke with the unlikely handle of "Enlightenment" felt the need to spread the word in response to my post "Snark of the week: Take that you dirty terrorists!" Now I enjoy a good wing-nutty rant as much as any left leaning liberal, but honestly poppets, would it have violated some obscure lunatic fringe by-law for him to use paragraphing?

Speaking of terrorists...

One thing that struck me as odd in the days after 9/11 was Bush saying "We will not tolerate conspiracy theories [regarding 9/11]". Sure enough there have been some wacky conspiracy theories surrounding the events of that day. The most far-fetched and patently ridiculous one that I've ever heard goes like this: Nineteen hijackers who claimed to be devout Muslims but yet were so un-Muslim as to be getting drunk all the time, doing cocaine and frequenting strip clubs decided to hijack four airliners and fly them into buildings in the northeastern U.S., the area of the country that is the most thick with fighter bases. After leaving a Koran on a barstool at a strip bar after getting shitfaced drunk on the night before, then writing a suicide note/inspirational letter that sounded like it was written by someone with next to no knowledge of Islam, they went to bed and got up the next morning hung over and carried out their devious plan. Nevermind the fact that of the four "pilots" among them there was not a one that could handle a Cessna or a Piper Cub let alone fly a jumbo jet, and the one assigned the most difficult task of all, Hani Hanjour, was so laughably incompetent that he was the worst fake "pilot" of the bunch, with someone who was there when he was attempting to fly a small airplane saying that Hanjour was so clumsy that he was unsure if he had driven a car before. Nevermind the fact that they received very rudimentary flight training at Pensacola Naval Air Station, making them more likely to have been C.I.A. assets than Islamic fundamentalist terrorists.

Read on... (well, only if you've nothing better to do)

So on to the airports after Mohammed Atta supposedly leaves two rental cars at two impossibly far-removed locations. So they hijack all four airliners and at this time passengers on United 93 start making a bunch of cell phone calls from 35,000 feet in the air to tell people what was going on. Nevermind the fact that cell phones wouldn't work very well above 4,000 feet, and wouldn't work at ALL above 8,000 feet. But the conspiracy theorists won't let that fact get in the way of a good fantasy. That is one of the little things you "aren't supposed to think about". Nevermind that one of the callers called his mom and said his first and last name ("Hi mom, this is Mark Bingham"), more like he was reading from a list than calling his own mom. Anyway, when these airliners each deviated from their flight plan and didn't respond to ground control, NORAD would any other time have followed standard operating procedure (and did NOT have to be told by F.A.A. that there were hijackings because they were watching the same events unfold on their own radar) which means fighter jets would be scrambled from the nearest base where they were available on standby within a few minutes, just like every other time when airliners stray off course. But of course on 9/11 this didn't happen, not even close. Somehow these "hijackers" must have used magical powers to cause NORAD to stand down, as ridiculous as this sounds because total inaction from the most high-tech and professional Air Force in the world would be necessary to carry out their tasks. So on the most important day in its history the Air Force was totally worthless. Then they had to make one of the airliners look like a smaller plane, because unknown to them the Naudet brothers had a videocamera to capture the only known footage of the North Tower crash, and this footage shows something that doesn't look like a jumbo jet, but didn't have to bother with the South Tower jet disguising itself because that was the one we were "supposed to see". Anyway, as for the Pentagon they had to have Hani Hanjour fly his airliner like it was a fighter plane, making a high G-force corkscrew turn that no real airliner can do, in making its descent to strike the Pentagon. But these "hijackers" wanted to make sure Rumsfeld survived so they went out of their way to hit the farthest point in the building from where Rumsfeld and the top brass are located. And this worked out rather well for the military personnel in the Pentagon, since the side that was hit was the part that was under renovation at the time with few military personnel present compared to construction workers. Still more fortuitous for the Pentagon, the side that was hit had just before 9/11 been structurally reinforced to prevent a large fire there from spreading elsewhere in the building. Awful nice of them to pick that part to hit, huh? Then the airliner vaporized itself into nothing but tiny unidentifiable pieces most no bigger than a fist, unlike the crash of a real airliner when you will be able to see at least some identifiable parts, like crumpled wings, broken tail section etc. Why, Hani Hanjour the terrible pilot flew that airliner so good that even though he hit the Pentagon on the ground floor the engines didn't even drag the ground!! Imagine that!! Though the airliner vaporized itself on impact it only made a tiny 16 foot hole in the building. Amazing. Meanwhile, though the planes hitting the Twin Towers caused fires small enough for the firefighters to be heard on their radios saying "We just need 2 hoses and we can knock this fire down" attesting to the small size of it, somehow they must have used magical powers from beyond the grave to make this morph into a raging inferno capable of making the steel on all forty-seven main support columns (not to mention the over 100 smaller support columns) soften and buckle, then all fail at once. Hmmm. Then still more magic was used to make the building totally defy physics as well as common sense in having the uppermost floors pass through the remainder of the building as quickly, meaning as effortlessly, as falling through air, a feat that without magic could only be done with explosives. Then exactly 30 minutes later the North Tower collapses in precisely the same freefall physics-defying manner. Incredible. Not to mention the fact that both collapsed at a uniform rate too, not slowing down, which also defies physics because as the uppermost floors crash into and through each successive floor beneath them they would shed more and more energy each time, thus slowing itself down. Common sense tells you this is not possible without either the hijackers' magical powers or explosives. To emphasize their telekinetic prowess, later in the day they made a third building, WTC # 7, collapse also at freefall rate though no plane or any major debris hit it. Amazing guys these magical hijackers. But we know it had to be "Muslim hijackers" the conspiracy theorist will tell you because (now don't laugh) one of their passports was "found" a couple days later near Ground Zero, miraculously "surviving" the fire that we were told incinerated planes, passengers and black boxes, and also "survived" the collapse of the building it was in. When common sense tells you if that were true then they should start making buildings and airliners out of heavy paper and plastic so as to be "indestructable" like that magic passport. The hijackers even used their magical powers to bring at least seven of their number back to life, to appear at american embassies outraged at being blamed for 9/11!! BBC reported on that and it is still online. Nevertheless, they also used magical powers to make the american government look like it was covering something up in the aftermath of this, what with the hasty removal of the steel debris and having it driven to ports in trucks with GPS locators on them, to be shipped overseas to China and India to be melted down. When common sense again tells you that this is paradoxical in that if the steel was so unimportant that they didn't bother saving some for analysis but so important as to require GPS locators on the trucks with one driver losing his job because he stopped to get lunch. Hmmmm. Further making themselves look guilty, the Bush administration steadfastly refused for over a year to allow a commission to investigate 9/11 to even be formed, only agreeing to it on the conditions that they get to dictate its scope, meaning it was based on the false pretense of the "official story" being true with no other alternatives allowed to be considered, handpicked all its members making sure the ones picked had vested interests in the truth remaining buried, and with Bush and Cheney only "testifying" together, only for an hour, behind closed doors, with their attorneys present and with their "testimonies" not being recorded by tape or even written down in notes. Yes, this whole story smacks of the utmost idiocy and fantastic far-fetched lying, but it is amazingly enough what some people believe. Even now, five years later, the provably false fairy tale of the "nineteen hijackers" is heard repeated again and again, and is accepted without question by so many Americans. Which is itself a testament to the innate psychological cowardice of the American sheeple, i mean people, and their abject willingness to believe something, ANYTHING, no matter how ridiculous in order to avoid facing a scary uncomfortable truth. Time to wake up America.

If you're really, really, reeeeeeealy, bored you can checkout the laundry list of links he slapped onto the arse end of the comment too. Let me know if you find anything amusing.

To blog or not to blog: that is the question...

2007-01-08T21:48:00.000-04:00

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to sputter
Incoherently on seasonal drama,
Or scribe all stoic like...

Oh bugger it!

(Photo Credit: Himself)

Bleah!

2006-12-06T11:54:00.000-04:00

Our mind and our delusions are formless and colorless. However, our ignorance believing in true existence is harder than a rocky mountain. Our delusions are harder than steel.

-Lama Zopa Rinpoche, "The Door to Satisfaction"

Loosed Words: The inescapable

2006-11-22T16:26:00.000-04:00

Mortality
by - William Knox

Oh, why should the spirit of mortal be proud?
Like a swift-fleeting meteor, a fast-flying cloud,
A flash of the lightning, a break of the wave,
He passes from life to his rest in the grave.

The leaves of the oak and the willow shall fade,
Be scattered around, and together be laid;
And the young and the old, the low and the high,
Shall molder to dust, and together shall lie.

The infant a mother attended and loved;
The mother that infant's affection who proved;
The husband, that mother and infant who blessed;
Each, all, are away to their dwelling of rest.

The maid on whose cheek, on whose brow, in whose eye,
Shone beauty and pleasure - her triumphs are by;
And the memory of those who loved her and praised,
Are alike from the minds of the living erased.

The hand of the king that the sceptre hath borne,
The brow of the priest that the mitre hath worn,
The eye of the sage, and the heart of the brave,
Are hidden and lost in the depths of the grave.

The peasant, whose lot was to sow and to reap,
The herdsman, who climbed with his goats up the steep,
The beggar, who wandered in search of his bread,
Have faded away like the grass that we tread.

The saint, who enjoyed the communion of Heaven,
The sinner, who dared to remain unforgiven,
The wise and the foolish, the guilty and just,
Have quietly mingled their bones in the dust.

So the multitude goes - like the flower or the weed
That withers away to let others succeed;
So the multitude comes - even those we behold,
To repeat every tale that has often been told.

For we are the same that our fathers have been;
We see the same sights that our fathers have seen;
We drink the same stream, we feel the same sun,
And run the same course that our fathers have run.

The thoughts we are thinking, our fathers would think;
From the death we are shrinking, our fathers would shrink;
To the life we are clinging, they also would cling -
But it speeds from us all like a bird on the wing.

They loved - but the story we cannot unfold;
They scorned - but the heart of the haughty is cold;
They grieved - but no wail from their slumber will come;
They joyed - but the tongue of their gladness is dumb.

They died - aye, they died - we things that are now,
That walk on the turf that lies over their brow,
And make in their dwellings a transient abode,
Meet the things that they met on their pilgrimage road.

Yea, hope and despondency, pleasure and pain,
Are mingled together in sunshine and rain;
And the smile and the tear, the song and the dirge,
Still follow each other, like surge upon surge.

'Tis the wink of an eye - 'tis the draught of a breath -
From the blossom of health to the paleness of death,
From the gilded saloon to the bier and the shroud
Oh, why should the spirit of mortal be proud?

Afra Afro update!

2006-08-30T15:02:00.000-04:00

Since there seems to be a fair amount of interest in the "awe inspiring afro", and since I'm out of the island and still too busy to come up with real content, here's a pic. Nevermind the date on this snapshot; this is the afro post ~~chop~~ trim, three boxes of dye and half a jar of gel.

It appears to have thrown in the towel.

Clickez-Ici: Stealth browsing...

2006-08-08T09:47:00.000-04:00

Yup, still up to my awe inspiring afro in work; so no interesting bits o' anime or what have you. So you know what that means? That's right, y'all will just have to keep yourselves amused for a bit more.

But just to tide you over I've got a wee present for you guys, especially Stunner, who always seems to have his essential blog surfing hamstrung by his job; or some such foolishness.Don't you just love browser proxies? I especially like the "Boss Key" button which replaces all the extracurricular content with very authentic spiel about time management.

Friday Pseudo Cat Bloggin' (The really early edition...)

2006-08-03T17:58:00.000-04:00

Well as all us true cat lovers know, we're a slightly unhinged lot; but which came first, the crazy or the kitty?

Cat-lovers may be more neurotic than other people as a result of a feline parasite that could ultimately also be responsible for international cultural differences...

Earlier research at Imperial College London suggested that the parasite may also trigger schizophrenia.

(Link, Image Credit: Mishka)

Clickez-Ici: The best things in life are free :)

2006-07-31T17:25:00.000-04:00

Ok... So I'm still swamped at work, so just click the link and have yerself a chuckle.

"a guy witnesses an accident"

Snark of the week: Take that you dirty terrorists!

2006-07-23T07:34:00.000-04:00

OR,

"Stupid is as stupid does."

Gods what a week! *sigh* All I got to say 'bout that is, "Work is a four letter word, too". Now on to the snarky business at hand. (And yes, I know these are getting fewer and farther between, but quite honestly a good snark is hard to find.)

As word spread through the interwebnet of the Indian government's astonishing move to block access to blogging platforms; including Blogspot, Typepad and Geocities; one Digg user, flash200, weighed in:

Not wanting to be outdone, India has decided to give the US and China a run for their money. Said one Indian official, who spoke on condition of not being quoted, "If there's any country in the world that can avoid getting a useful benefit out of the internet, it's certainly us. Not those other silly countries."

Reportedly, the US government was outraged by this news, and threatened to disable all telephone lines and cable lines in their own country. "The thing you have to understand," said a Senator from Alaska, "is that these series of tubes are bad for the truck business." One thing is clear, the US will not take this challenge to its bureaucratic ineffectiveness lightly.

The Chinese government responded in turn by making a public proclamation that fire, and all technology derived from it, has now been banned by the government. Said one Chinese official, "Top that!"

(Link)

Anime Tchatchki: London calling...

2006-07-20T05:05:00.000-04:00

City Paradise: A quirky mix of live action, 2D and 3D animation of the adventures of a Japanese girl in London by Gaelle Denis.

Things to do (or not) when you want a man...

2006-07-17T00:25:00.000-04:00

Now, now, stop yer snickering; this apparently serious business to some females. This isn't Cosmo, so I'm not going to pitch the usual crap about getting in touch with your inner fellator. Sometimes you just have to grid yourself, swallow (poor choice of words - maybe) your pride and ask for one. Seriously. Just plain ask someone; not anyone mind, show some discretion; whether they got a spare man worthy of recommendation.

Take Mary Elizabeth Cook for example. Back in 1949, this English rose (ok, I'm guessing she was an English rose) "an attractive brunette of 29" wrote a letter to the Mayor of New York asking for a husband. No word on how the mayor fared as Lizzy's improvised shadchen; but the point is, the girl took action. Awfully progressive of her, that. Which might go some way in explaining why she was still unattached at 29, but that's just more speculation on my part.

But let's face it, which of us actually has time for letter writing campaigns these days? This is the age of microwave dinners and text messaging, after all. So what's a broad jonesing for a Friday-night hook-up to do? Well...

A woman from Aloha, Oregon, called 911 looking for the deputy that responded to a noise complaint made by her neighbors last month.

The woman called 911 and asked for the same deputy to return and told the 911 operator: "I just thought he was cute. I'm 45 years old, and I'd just like to meet him again, but I don't know how to go about doing that without calling 911."

(Link)

Now I'm not saying it was a good idea... But she gets 9 out of 10 for originality.

Drive-by freak out...

2006-07-15T15:12:00.000-04:00

OR,

Unplug that computah right now!

It is already possible for an assassin to send someone an e-mail with an innocent-looking attachment connected to it. When the receiver downloads the attachment, the electrical current and molecular structure of the central procecessing unit is altered, causing it to blast apart like a large hand grenade.

(Link)

Dang! Just think what'll happen to all those tubes if you're sending an internet while this happens.

Loosed Words: Won't you be my neighbour?

2006-07-13T00:01:00.000-04:00

This week's installment of Loosed Words is a two-parter, with a Clickez-Ici component, featuring one of the most tender-hearted human beings ever to walk this planet; Mr Rogers of Mr Rogers' Neighbourhood fame; so be sure to click on the image of the nice man to the right for a video snippet.

The clip is of Rogers' 1969 impassioned testimony before the US Senate in defense of the fledgling Public Broadcasting Corporation's imperilled budget, Nixon wanted to slash it in half because of the "police action" in Vietnam, and of the importance of public television to early childhood development.

What Do You Do?
- by The Reverend Frederick McFeely Rogers

What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong...
And nothing you do seems very right?

What do you do? Do you punch a bag?
Do you pound some clay or some dough?
Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
Or see how fast you go?

It's great to be able to stop
When you've planned a thing that's wrong,
And be able to do something else instead
And think this song:

I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish.
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
For a girl can be someday a lady.
And a boy can be someday a man.

(Song credit: Fred Rogers, "What Do You Do?")

Cont'd Ed: Attention Senator Ted Stevens!

2006-07-11T10:58:00.000-04:00

That's right, I'm talking to you, you ~~crazy old fart~~ misguided older gentleman. I know, you've been catching a truckload of flack over that whole internet is "a series of tubes" foolishness. (Heh. Get it? Truckload? *sigh* Some people just have no sense of humour.)

So I figured I'd hook you up with a little primer, a video tutorial even, by the inimitable Dave Chappelle. 'Cause I know you down wit da Chappelle.

(Via Digg)

Anime Tchatchki: Hisssssss...

2006-07-11T00:03:00.000-04:00

Click the image to watch the beautifully contrived Cristóbal Vila short, "Snakes". This all too brief piece was inspired by a woodcut by Dutch graphic artist M. C. Escher.

Things to do when you've nothing to post...

2006-07-10T11:37:00.000-04:00

Thing: Take silly quizes.

You Are Oscar the Grouch

Grumpy and grouchy, you aren't just pessimistic. You revel in your pessimism.

You are usually feeling: Unhappy. Unless it's rainy outside, and even then you know the foul weather won't last.

You are famous for: Being mean yet loveable. And you hate the loveable part.

How you life your life: As a slob. But it's not repelling as many people as you'd like!

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

Slob! Meh... Hmmmm... :/

One 10sec reason why dorna! doesn't drive - Part 2

2006-07-09T07:30:00.000-04:00

So Abeni leaves a comment on yesterday's post. She says I should, despite the compelling video evidence to support my position, get behind the wheel, take to the roads, and drive even.

The girl may even have a point. But if I ever do - get behind the wheel, take to the roads, and drive even - it won't be on this bit of ~~goat track~~ roadway, AKA Bolivia's North Yungas Road, AKA "El Camino de la Muerte". I don't think you need a translation of that last bit.(Image credit ...hmmmm..., Click pic for more photos)

Now for the few of you who got lost and ended up here while searching for DIY dirty pictures, this is a Caribbean blog; more precisely a St Lucian blog; so this blogger ain't no wuss. Not a bit of it. I've seen and ridden upon a few ~~arsehat~~ particularly dangerous roads myself.

In fact, local lore includes the tale of how, before it was re-surfaced at terrific cost, the road to St Jude's hospital in the south of the island was on occasion used to induce labour in troublesome pregnancies. Seriously. Doctors, it is said, would just pop the mommy-to-be in an ambulance and send her for a little drive. You know, to convince the intransigent brattling that things might actually be more congenial on the outside.

But I ask you, what in the seven circles of hell are these Bolivians thinking?

One 10sec reason why dorna! doesn't drive...

2006-07-08T10:11:00.000-04:00

Keep your eye on the lane to the far right.

(Via Digg)

Friday Pseudo Cat Bloggin': Mind yer step...

2006-07-07T09:19:00.000-04:00

From Adrian Ramos' most excellent site; hosting the Count Your Sheep comic strip about a little girl, her mom and her immaginary friend (a sheep named Ship); comes an Adrianism.

More Clickez-Ici: Captain Kirk, wherefore dost thou smoketh the evil weed?

2006-07-07T00:15:00.000-04:00

OR,

William Shatner does "Rocket Man"

The words - they fail me - entirely...

(Via Babysitter of the Damned)

----------

Addendum: Chris found this brilliant Family Guy send up of Shatner's misbegotten spoken word rendition of the Elton John classic. Just click Stewie to see it.

Clickez-ici: Sympathy for a Personnel Manager...

2006-07-04T00:05:00.000-04:00

OR,

Give this man a tv special already!

Click the pic to watch the brilliant Dave Coyne's "Help wanted":

I said, "Ray Ray take out the garbage"; and Ray Ray says, "Nah I ain't got to do it".
I said, "Ray Ray take out the garbage"; and Ray Ray says, "Nah I ain't got to take out no god-damned garbage".
I went PAM! I tagged that punk. His ass dropped like my grade point average.
Floo-floo, floo, floo-floo-floo-floo-floo, FLAM!

Ahhh, good times...

Things to do when you're incensed: Don't gleef!

2006-07-03T10:29:00.000-04:00

Yes this is Sunday's post. On a Monday - even. Couldn't post it Sunday, 'cause when I read the subject of today's post I gleefed on a faint and then strategically chose to believe it was some nutty net satire. Perhaps the work of a Stewart, a Black, or even a Colbert. It was cowardly move, motivated by a need to protect what's left of my fragile sanity. But enough of that, let's get on with the rabble rousing.

My fellow Netizens! Time to start praying to St Isidore of Seville, proposed patron saint of internet users (and not to be confused with the other St Isidore whose province is apparently farming - don'tcha know); and while you're at it throw a shout out for an intercession or two from St Jude, you know the lost causes dude, 'cause by the gods (just covering my bases) we gonna need all the help we can get. Wherefore my hysteria?

Well, never mind which side of the network neutrality debate you fall on, and my stance has already been vociferously stated; i.-effing-e. decidedly PRO keeping the internet not effed with by greedy ISPs; we should all be seriously perturbed that the anti-net neutrality juggernaut is being helmed by one Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska (R).

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially.

So you want to talk about the consumer? Let's talk about you and me. We use this internet to communicate and we aren't using it for commercial purposes...

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.

It's a series of tubes.

And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.

(Link via Boing Boing and a bunch of other worthy sites)

Excuse me while I quiet a reflexive choke of disbelief. Right. So "an internet" is a "series of tubes" which one can "get", even though it sometimes takes like way too long to "get", but it's not like "a truck" so... AAAAARHGH! I can't believe you Americans are actually paying this man!

Oooookaaaay.

I'm okay...

Yup, this is the self-same long serving legislative genius of The Bridge to Nowhere fame, who wants to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. That wee spiel of his sounds almost Pythonian, which would be funny 'cept this ain't no comedy sketch were talking about here.

Now I know what some of you all are saying, "But damn it dorna! I'm not Catholic, and more to the point, I'm an atheist/pagan/buddist/islamist/yadda yadda." Oh yeah? What of it? I'm not Catholic either. Atheists shmaythesists! Looky here, it's time you lot pull your weight. And so what if no one's listening? Who cares? This is serious business. I'm telling you, it's time for a pray-in. We could podcast it. Think of it as a PSYOP. At very least it'll scare the bejesus out of the over-weening trice christy neo/proto/conservative/regressive fascistically capitalist lot.

Girlz Gone Wild!

2006-07-01T00:01:00.000-04:00

Is there some weird lunar/solstice/misalignment of the universe thing afoot?

15 yr old Florida girl steals Hummer takes out 2 squad cars

14 and 15 yr old girls, packing heat, 'jack man looking for a little MySpace nooky

16 yr old Brit chick liberates bus then totals 16 cars, a set of traffic lights and some railings

18 yr old gets life for murdering pensioner in dry run before finding a more wealthy victim

And that's just this week! Whatever happened to "sugar and spice"?

Friday Pseudo Cat Bloggin': Step away from the piggies...

2006-06-30T00:16:00.000-04:00

OR,

Might I suggest some kitty couch time?

Okay, I'd like to think this tigress at Thailand's Sriracha zoo was just psyching everybody out and planned to have a little after show snack or five; but - seriously - that's just not dignified!

(Via For Myself and Strangers and Link)

Clickez-Ici: I only read it for the pictures...

2006-06-29T20:02:00.000-04:00

Liam Quin's collection of scanned images from old books.

I own a number of old and antiquarian books, and many of them have got really neat pictures in them. I thought it was a shame that no-one but me could see them, so I started putting them online.

Shown is "The Twa Corbies" from Arthur Rackham's "Some British Ballads" published in 1919.

Anime Tchatchki: Be ye ever so humble...

2006-06-28T10:21:00.000-04:00

I can't say much about this offering 'cause it'll blow the ending so just click the pic to watch "Bumble Beeing", a Billy Blob cartoon.

Nooky Handbook: Hot monkey video love

2006-06-27T19:12:00.000-04:00

I figured it was about time I did a companion post to last month's bit on erotic photography. So here goes... Tips on making a DIY sex tape (After all, look what it did for Paris Hilton.):

Buy a video/digital moving-picture-taker-outer
Find a willing partner(s?)

Choose location and toys/props with care(hey, no judgements from me luv)
Click the pic to watch the helpful how-to clip
Call 911

The expression "hot crossed buns" comes to mind.

FYI we're all screwed!

2006-06-26T11:40:00.000-04:00

OR,

Look sharp, the end is nigh - again...

Just in case you were wondering the end of the world as we, or at least Barbadians, know it is upon us. You hear dat Jdid? Bim goin' get thwacked by not 1, but count it, 2 mahko (read real big muther*****ing) hurricanes sometime between "now and the end of the year" because God vex wit you all.

Well, that's according to some bajan bloke named Greg Norville of the House of Ephraim, who claims to have a hotline to Jesus or whomever; and I for one have made it a habit not to argue matters of detail and proof with anyone who has private chats with divine personages.

"The Lord said: 'The angels of the City of Bridgetown have come before me and the stench of the city has been brought before me by them.' I'm saying to you, prophetically, that Bridgetown is going to come under heavy flooding; water will come up all through the Careenage and it will be greatly underwater," shared Norville, who said he had a prophetic anointing on his life.

He said God was not pleased with the prevailing "party spirit" and homosexuality that had gripped the country, therefore He was planning to carry out a "cleansing".

(Link)

Hmmpf. Man, that's some serious celestial ire right there. Yes, well, I look real close yes, and he eh say nutting 'bout Lucia; so Carnival 2K6 is on!

Things to do when you're bored: Mull errant thoughts...

2006-06-25T10:17:00.000-04:00

What does an atheist say when he orgasms?

Loosed words: With friends like mine, I could use some enemies...

2006-06-22T19:38:00.000-04:00

From the Oscar Wilde Collection:

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. I have not got one who is a fool. They are all men of some intellectual power, and consequently they all appreciate me.
-Henry Wotton, The Picture of Dorian Gray

(Link)

Anime Tchatchki: 'Ware the evil weed!

2006-06-20T08:34:00.000-04:00

OR,

All you need is love, puh puh duh duh duh...

Here's a little hippy dippy animated short by Roger Glover circa 1974 dubbed "Butterfly Ball" based on the 1973 illustrated book by Alan Aldridge which in turn was based on the William Roscoe poem. (Landsakes! Talk about repurposing.) Essentially an animated music video/companion piece for his "The Butterfly Ball and the Grasshopper Feast" album, the track is entitled "Love is all" and was sung by, of all people,Ronnie James Dio of Black Sabbath fame. o_0? He must have been exploring his creative boundaries - I guess.

Anyway... I looked very carefully, but I'll be darned if I could find any psychedelic nooky bus. Wazzup wit dat?

Clickez-Ici: A little to your left. No your other left!

2006-06-19T00:40:00.000-04:00

This week's Clickez-ici entry could well double as a "thing to do when you're bored" - rock balancing. Why, you ask? Well, why not? Especially when the outcome is this cool. Click the pic to view the Bill Dan Rock Balancing Gallery.Now the question is, is this art?

It's a mole, it's a squirrel, it's a - what the heck is that?

2006-06-18T00:39:00.000-04:00

OR,

I don't care how cute it is, it's still a rodent!

A feast for the eyes only, this is the first known Laotian rock rat to be photographed not on a skewer.

It was a little over a year ago that a Wildlife Conservation Society scientist announced the discovery of the rodent species in a Laotian market. (See "New Rodent Discovered at Asian Food Market" [May 16, 2005].)

(Link, Image credit: National Geographic)

The world according to Larry Niven...

2006-06-17T08:32:00.000-04:00

OR,

Niven's Law on how the Universe works...

a. Never throw shit at an armed man.
b. Never stand next to someone who is throwing shit at an armed man.
Never fire a laser at a mirror.
Mother Nature doesn't care if you're having fun.
Giving up freedom for security is beginning to look naive. (Note: this originally read "F x S = k", signifying that the product of Freedom and Security is a constant.)
Psi and/or magical powers, if real, are nearly useless.
It is easier to destroy than to create.
Any damn fool can predict the past.

(Read the rest here...)

Hmmm, I guess that explains why that DIY voodoo kit didn't work...

Friday Pseudo Cat Bloggin': Separating the men from the cat people...

2006-06-16T00:03:00.000-04:00

OR,

"Dogs have masters,
CATS have staff"

A bunch of deluded folk over at one of the Lockergnome forums debate a 14 step plan, put forward by some bloke who goes by the improbable moniker of Werebo, on how best to ~~lose an eye or something equally dear~~ give a cat a pill. This is an issue which has already been addressed here and I assure you not a one of these people know what they're talking about.

Having said this, here are the first and last steps as prescribed by Mr Werebo. (If you've ever had the singular honour of sharing your domicile with a feline it won't take much imagination to figure out what happens in the intervening steps.)

1} Pick up the cat and cradle it in the left arm as if holding a baby. Position right finger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens it's mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
...
14} Arrange for RSPCA officer to collect cat and check with pet shop if they have any hamsters for sale.

(Link)

Loosed words: Original sin

2006-06-15T00:01:00.000-04:00

Atlas Shrugged
-by Ayn Rand

A sin without volition is a slap at morality and an insolent contradiction in terms: that which is outside the possibility of choice is outside the province of morality. If man is evil by birth, he has no will, no power to change it; if he has no will, he can be neither good nor evil; a robot is amoral. To hold, as man's sin, a fact not open to his choice is a mockery of morality. To hold man's nature as his sin is a mockery of nature. To punish him for a crime he committed before he was born is a mockery of justice. To hold him guilty in a matter where no innocence exists is a mockery of reason. To destroy morality, nature, justice and reason by means of a single concept is a feat of evil hardly to be matched.

(Pgs 938-939)

Clickez-Ici: The neverending mosaic

2006-06-14T00:01:00.000-04:00

A true clickez-ici, this got dugg last week. "Information" by Sumona comes from 10ways a collaborative project involving Getty Images and 5 designers to create interactive visual experiences.

From its content to its visual components, a photograph is filled with information. Choose a point on an image and delve deeper into it, linking one idea to another in a never-ending chain.

Go ahead, click the pic.

What if Google were evil?

2006-06-12T17:34:00.000-04:00

OR,

Insert myhahahahaha *HERE*

The Wired News reporter Lore Sjöberg muses on what the internet darling would be like if it abandoned its "Don't be evil" mantra and starting rolling out some truly ~~useful~~ diabolical services.

Google Torture

Sure, Google provides access to nearly all the public information on the web, but what about data people aren't willing to share? Google could enhance its core search engine by deploying goons and/or thugs to beat information out of people -- anything from the location of their valuables to interesting sports trivia. Finally you can search on terms like "why did my neighbor come home at 3 a.m. all last week" and expect to get some real answers.

(Link)

Things to do when you're bored: Spamalot?

2006-06-11T00:49:00.000-04:00

Thing: Click the image below to discover your inner spammer with the "Which Nigerian Spammer Are You?" quiz.
I drew Alice Kobe but decided that Lawrence Obi was more fun. Let me know you fare in the comment thingy.

Snark of the Week: Major diss

2006-06-09T07:33:00.000-04:00

Those shadey gentlemen at The Pirate Bay, BitTorrent tracker extraordinare, share a thought:

Just some stats...

... here are some reasons why TPB is down sometimes - and how long it usually takes to fix:

Tiamo gets *very* drunk and then something crashes: 4 days

Anakata gets a really bad cold and no one is around: 7 days

The US and Swedish gov. forces the police to steal our servers: 3 days

.. yawn.

(Link via Digg)

More Clickez-Ici: Shades of Orwell...

2006-06-08T08:03:00.000-04:00

OR,

You can kiss our collective liberal arses good-bye...

Shown is an alarming constructivist(?) style transit poster from Baltimore, by way of Black Op Radio, which would warm the cockles of Stalin's cold dead heart. This is Clickez-Ici so click da pic and so on and so forth, blah blah blah, yadda yadda...

"High bandwidth" my right arse cheek!

2006-06-07T07:15:00.000-04:00

OR,

I want my god damned money back!

My ISP and I are overdue for a little chat about what constitutes an "unlimited internet plan"; 'cause while it's nice and all that I have this here unlimited access to their ~~black hole~~ servers, it would be even more lovely to be able to get the hell out of their cul-de-sac and talk to the rest of the world. And it would be lovelier still not to be spoken to like a rank ~~jackass~~ jennyass by their significantly more ignorant than I customer service reps.

Now I'm a patient lass. Real patient. And I've been really really patient these past few years, and especially this past couple of months; but if this shit keeps up I'm a-gonna have to reach out and touch a bitch or five in Castries.

Loosed words: Decisions, decisions...

2006-06-06T06:58:00.000-04:00

"?"
- by Robert W. Service

If you had the choice of two women to wed,
(Though of course the idea is quite absurd)
And the first from her heels to her dainty head
Was charming in every sense of the word:
And yet in the past (I grieve to state),
She never had been exactly "straight".

And the second -- she was beyond all cavil,
A model of virtue, I must confess;
And yet, alas! she was dull as the devil,
And rather a dowd in the way of dress;
Though what she was lacking in wit and beauty,
She more than made up for in "sense of duty".

Now, suppose you must wed, and make no blunder,
And either would love you, and let you win her --
Which of the two would you choose, I wonder,
The stolid saint or the sparkling sinner?

Clickez-Ici: Bzzzzzzt!!!

2006-06-05T06:25:00.000-04:00

OR,

Holy light-show Batman! It's alive!

I found the Putfile copy of this clip of a failed 1/2 million volt shunt reactor switch months ago via Mumbo-jumbo (whose link - a thousand apologies - I've lost) but never got around to posting it. Which was just as well; because even after looking the thing up, I couldn't make head or tails of what in the heck a shunt reactor was.

I mean honestly, I'm supposed to understand this?

Shunt reactors are used in an extra high-voltage substation to neutralize inductive reactance in long EHV transmission lines.

Yaaaah. Clear as mud. I think not. There is a slightly more exhaustive, and equally mystifying, explanation of shunt reactors; and in this case a f***ed up shunt reactor; alongside the embedded video over at YouTube. This is Clickez-Ici so click the pic to watch. Oh, and if any of you could explain the thing to me in non-gobbledegook I'd be deeply appreciative.

Things to do when you're bored: Watch otters at play

2006-06-04T00:07:00.000-04:00

Thing: Watch the sea otter exhibit at the Monterey Bay Aquarium by way of otter-cam. I've been watching on and off for 2 hours now and still haven't spotted Toola. She's the blonde. Let me know if you catch a glimpse of her. Click pic, yadda yadda...

(Via For Myself and Strangers)

Come again?

2006-06-03T00:02:00.000-04:00

From Saul Gorn's Compendium Of Rarely Used Cliches come a collection of "Self-Annihilating Sentences":

Judgments
"Before they made him they broke the mold."
"I am certain of it, but I may be wrong."

Attitudes
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If I don't see you again, auf wiedersehen!
What keeps me going is my inertia.
I absolutely refuse to be assertive.

Complaints
"Please - I can only ignore one thing at a time."

(Link)

I be a good ninja...

2006-06-02T00:10:00.000-04:00

Look-it. I took "The Good Ninja-Bad Ninja Quiz" from EnterTheNinja.com and got certified. So go on, click the pic to get typed.While y'all are doing that, I'll be brushing up on mah ninja etiquette.

Ninja never bring a gun to a sword fight. Ninja don't use guns. Ever.

The only way to end a ninja clan is to break the head ninja's sword.

Ninja never show their real face. If the need to show a face arises, it should be a very shiny mask. This is the only possible substitute.

Bullets can't kill a ninja. Even 1 million bullets can not kill a ninja. (See the training video "Ninja 3: The Domination" for demonstration!)

When attacking a single ninja with a clan of ninja (more than 4, less than that is only a posse), it is proper ninja etiquette to fight with only one ninja at a time. This makes for a much nicer fight to the death.
NOTE: if you are planning to fight the mack daddy ninja, be sure to bring lots of lesser ninja to warm him up for your grand entrance.

(Link)

Loosed words: Wouldn't it be lovely?

2006-06-01T15:18:00.000-04:00

I Am Vertical
- by Sylvia Plath

But I would rather be horizontal.
I am not a tree with my root in the soil
Sucking up minerals and motherly love
So that each March I may gleam into leaf,
Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed
Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,
Unknowing I must soon unpetal.
Compared with me, a tree is immortal
And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,
And I want the one's longevity and the other's daring.

Tonight, in the infinitesimal light of the stars,
The trees and flowers have been strewing their cool odors.
I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.
Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping
I must most perfectly resemble them--
Thoughts gone dim.
It is more natural to me, lying down.
Then the sky and I are in open conversation,
And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:
The the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers have time for me.

Clickez-Ici: And a 1, and a 2...

2006-05-30T00:30:00.000-04:00

Some clever lad has remixed a vintage film reel of an extraordinarily unsafe exercise session led by the late yet enthusiatic Bertil Uggla; a Swedish officer and Olympian, who must have moonlighted in chiropractics on the side, 'cause by the gods you're gonna need an adjustment when you're done with this. The original video, Morgongymnastik med Bertil Uggla (Morning workout with Bertil Uggla), is well worth a watch as well. You know what to do. Click the pic, yadda yadda...

Into every life a little disappointment must come.

2006-05-29T00:05:00.000-04:00

A little while back, Chris over at Cynical-C Blog discovered and posted an exposé of sorts on Gandhi which got my dander up. After all, here was this person slagging a man renowned world-wide as a spiritual leader and Indian statesman; who also happened to be one of the few men whom I truly admired for his sheer steadfastedness. I wasn't going to take this lying down, so I went a'googling for ammo. I was going to debunk this scurrilous debunker. The more fool I.

Having gone looking for ammunition to launch an epic rebuttal; I found instead further indication that I, along with many of my generation, may have been sold a bill of goods. Among the many treatises which I found was Richard Grenier's "The Gandhi Nobody Knows", written on the occasion of the 1982 release of the award winning Ben Kingsley vehicle named for its subject. This longish article, whose anecdotal references are not refuted even by the Gandhi apologists, provides a jaw-dropping insight into the "canonization" of Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi; as well as his unhusbandly behaviour, decidedly kinky (by western standards) nature, racist leanings and astonishing ambivalence on the definitive matter of pacifism. You'll regret not reading the entire piece.

...a friend of mine...objected strenuously that the picture of Gandhi that emerges in the movie is grossly inaccurate, omitting, as one of many examples, that when Gandhi's wife lay dying of pneumonia and British doctors insisted that a shot of penicillin would save her, Gandhi refused to have this alien medicine injected in her body and simply let her die. (It must be noted that when Gandhi contracted malaria shortly afterward he accepted for himself the alien medicine quinine, and that when he had appendicitis he allowed British doctors to perform on him the alien outrage of an appendectomy.)...

Read on...

"Gandhi", then, is a large, pious, historical morality tale centered on a saintly, sanitized Mahatma Gandhi cleansed of anything too embarrassingly Hindu (the word "caste" is not mentioned from one end of the film to the other) and, indeed, of most of the rest of Gandhi's life, much of which would drastically diminish his saintliness in Western eyes...

I cannot honestly say I had any reasonable expectation that the film would show scenes of Gandhi's pretty teenage girl followers fighting "hysterically" (the word was used) for the honor of sleeping naked with the Mahatma and cuddling the nude septuagenarian in their arms. (Gandhi was "testing" his vow of chastity in order to gain moral strength for his mighty struggle with Jinnah.) When told there was a man named Freud who said that, despite his declared intention, Gandhi might actually be *enjoying* the caresses of the naked girls, Gandhi continued, unperturbed. Nor, frankly, did I expect to see Gandhi giving daily enemas to all the young girls in his ashrams (his daily greeting was, "Have you had a good bowel movement this morning, sisters?"), nor see the girls giving him *his* daily enema...

(Link)

Hmpf. Riiiiight. Ok, so it's going to take me a bit to integrate these, uh, eccentricities into my perception of the man and his contribution to this past century. All part of growing up I suppose, this coming to terms with the inevitable human failings of our so-called 'greats'.

Things to do when you're bored: Assimilate

2006-05-28T00:05:00.000-04:00

Thing: Click on the sexy tin can head below to go over to The Cyborg Name Decoder and discover your inner borg. When you're done, come back here and share your epiphany with the rest of us in the comment thingy.

Rational nullification, huh? Heh. Well I have no difficulty with that. This I can do. Always did think that reason was like totally over-rated. Rendering a public service, even. *sniff*

Nu Fangled: STD anyone? Anyone?

2006-05-27T00:57:00.000-04:00

Ah the perils of Engrish. Off the side of a pack of SIXSEX Premium Condoms:

Each condom is made of high quality natural latex of import, and subject to electronic inspection, and has entered GB7544-1999 Excellent-class and meet ISO4074 standards, it can provide you with pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS.

Well that's a load off my mind, I tell you.(Link)

Keep yer shirt on!

2006-05-27T00:07:00.000-04:00

OR,

Passive-aggressiveness RAWKS!

To themselves who had the nerve to invoke the "p" word and who've been all over my arse this past week, a few words from Nigel H. Mendez' "The Procrastinator's Creed":

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

Friday Pseudo Cat Bloggin': Perviness abounds...

2006-05-26T12:06:00.000-04:00

Usenet confessions from self-avowed "Sickos who sleep with their cats!":

From: "Giant" giant@sparknet.net
Date: 1998/01/05
Newsgroups: alt.animals.felines

My husband and I have 4 cats. Three of them take turns sleeping with us. When I go to bed, I call the kitties (for anyone for whom it wouldn't be an inconvenience), and Annie runs into the room and jumps on the bed. She has a stuffed bunny that she sometimes kneads, at others, she kneads the back of my head or washes my ears or face. (Makes it hard to fall asleep.) When every is settled, Baby, the oldest, jumps up and takes an authoritative stroll across the pillows. Then he sits by my head until I straighten out a section of blanket next to me. Once it is completely flat, he will curl up for the night. Since Scott gets up very early for work, I stay in bed and wait for my morning visit from Beaner. She doesn't like sharing her attention with anyone else, so she wakes me up to get me all to herself. She is also known for waiting on the sink for lovings as soon as anyone gets out of the shower. At night, she usually sleeps on a couch on her back. I guess I could go on for hours about the "kids" but I'll try and save some for later.

(Link)

Snark of the Week: "F*#! Barry Bonds"

2006-05-26T00:00:00.000-04:00

I couldn't give two hooves about baseball. Stupes! Why should I, when there's a perfectly sensible alternative to that game of jacked-up rounders. That's right - cricket! However, having all the athletic ability of a rheumatic slug, I've formed strong opinions about sporting cheats. 'Cause I'm no namby-pamby fan. I root hard core. Which is why Barry Bonds' continued presence in Major League Baseball and on my television set pisses me off. From "The Onion Sports" a wee bit of wishful thinking:

Major League Baseball has specified that the 'F'-asterisk-pound sign-exclamation point symbol will only appear next to Bonds' name in the all-time home-run category, with his name in other categories to be accompanied by symbols more fitting for that particular one, including: an "at" symbol, two dollar signs, a pound sign, an asterisk, and Nos. 1 and 3 (@$$#*13) next to his single-season home-run total of 73; two series of five asterisks-the first preceded by the letter 'M' and the second preceded by the letter 'F' (M***** F*****)-next to his single-season slugging-percentage record of .863; and a sequence of letters reading "The bastard used to be pretty goddamn good in his own right without the fucking steroids" next to his eight Gold Glove Awards.

"F*#! Barry Bonds, 714 F*#!^&% home runs," Selig said, reading a line out of the most updated version of this year's record book. "F*#! Barry Bonds."

(Link, Image credit: Barry Bonds BALCO bobblehead doll available from The Homerun Guys)

And SOLD, to the sucker in the back row!

2006-05-25T00:02:00.000-04:00

Ah busy to rass, so look a joke, yes?

A man from Kingston moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but me have some bad news. De donkey dead."

"Wha'?" "Well den, just gi me back me money."

"Can't do that. Me spen dat already."

"OK, then. Just leave de donkey with me."

"What you a go do wid him?"

"Me a go raffle dat."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Yeah man, watch me. Me just nah tell nobody seh 'im dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Kingston man and asked, "What happen wid dat dead donkey?"

"Dat get raffle off boss. Me sell 500 ticket fi $2 apiece and mek a profit of $998."

"Suh nobaddy nuh cuss?"

"Ongle de man whey win. So me gi im back im $2"

(Thanks Spammin' Auntie)

Heh. That's $888 profit bra' man. Is like you forget you done give de farmer $100?

Steve Jobs and the Calculator Construction Set

2006-05-24T07:16:00.000-04:00

OR,

Screw it, just do it yourself!

Chris Espinosa tries to make a Steve Jobs approved calculator and gets the treatment.

"Well, it's a start", Steve said, "but basically, it stinks. The background color is too dark, some lines are the wrong thickness, and the buttons are too big."...

So, for a couple of days, Chris would incorporate Steve's suggestions from the previous day, but Steve would continue to find new faults each time he was shown it...

The next afternoon, instead of a new iteration of the calculator, Chris unveiled his new approach, which he called "the Steve Jobs Roll Your Own Calculator Construction Set"...

Steve took a look at the new program, and immediately started fiddling with the parameters. After trying out alternatives for ten minutes or so, he settled on something that he liked.

(Link)

Clickez-Ici: A 1 Second Flim-flam Film?

2006-05-23T00:00:00.000-04:00

This week's clickez-post post is a three parter featuring of all things a celebrity bidding war pitting Andy Dick against Tom Green for top executive producer credit on the 1 Second Film IMAX ~~scam~~ project.

Part 1: Andy Dick agrees to executive produce Nirvan Mullick's 1 Second Film for USD$111.11.

Part 2: Tom Green gets accosted at the Toronto Film Festival, outbids Andy, disses Christina Ricci and proceeds to launch unprovoked attacks on passers-by.

Part 3: Andy gets miffed, responds and gets mauled by a pussy cat. Heh. The putty tat gets him real good. Go kitty! Noteworthy quote:

Don't hurt Tom he's got ball cancer!

And just in case you're wondering; neither of them now hold the coveted #1 executive producer credit; that went to FotoKem for a whopping USD$50,000. They're not even in the top 20. There's a life lesson in there somewhere. :D

Time for a career change

2006-05-22T00:09:00.000-04:00

OR,

Dumbass shoots self in botched robbery

From Jobs Online a case study on knowing when to switch careers:

After making off with some cash, the robber was struck five times by two vehicles - first by someone police think was the suspect's own getaway driver and four more times by another driver who appears to have been trying to intervene.

Toward the end of the strange scene, the beleaguered bandit accidentally shot himself in the leg - then got hit a fourth time by the second driver, a woman who apparently knew the victim.

(Link)

Out of the mouths of babes...

2006-05-21T00:03:00.000-04:00

OR,

Things to make Sister Mary Francis cuss a blue streak...

Methinks the Catholic set have far more serious matters to worry about than The Da Vinci Code. By way of my Spammin' Auntie come reputed excerpts from answers to questions listed in an elementary school test on both the Old and New Testaments. Trust me, you don't need to be a Bible scholar to figure out these kids could have used some Cliffs Notes.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

Adventures in body sugaring

2006-05-20T00:05:00.000-04:00

I'm poor. But more to the point, I'm ~~cheap~~ frugal. This is no small matter. I blame my mother's "Why pay someone to do it, when you can do it yourself" brand of self-sufficiency. Ergo, no $70 salon facials for me; which means I sure as heck ain't gonna pay for a waxing. All of which leads me to my current sticky predicament.

Picture this - Sicily, 1946... No, no, wrong story. Picture this - Saint Lucia, 2006; dorna! peering down into a near volcanic concoction of sugar, water and lemon juice; rationalising sotto voce, "Well, if all else fails, it'll make a nice snack", followed by these portentous words:

For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

(Link)

Well, anyhoo, you get the gist of the situation.

My inner voice - the sane one - opines, "No good will come of this honey. No good". Hah. What does she know anyway?

Crunchy coffee: A recipe for disaster

2006-05-19T13:01:00.000-04:00

You will need the following:

1 somewhat busted arse coffee maker
1 aging stove, with busted arse control knobs, which requires the user to possess some measure of psychic ability in order to gauge flame settings
(Note: It is especially helpful if both appliances "buy it" during a 48hr period. This adds to the romanticism of the thing, kinda like using a Parisian window sill to double as your home dairy section. Viewed correctly, it's all terribly left-bank.)
1 small, apparently not stainless, steel strainer of dubious origin
(Note: This last item is essential due to a total want of coffee filters; which in turn is due to an inexplicable islandwide shortage; which is quite possibly due to the fact that all the island's supermarkets are now owned by like 2 guys.)
3 scoops generic store brand ground coffee, preferably ~~burnt~~ dark roast
1 half pot of disturbingly clouded tap water
(Note: Water, courtesy of the soon to be privatized water company; 'cause it's time Lucians start paying much more for the twin privileges of not contracting Belhazia and the daily exhilaration of guessing, "is there enough water left in my tank for my bi-weekly full shower".
1 boyfriend in absentia, hereinafter refered to as The Man, to ratchet up the self-piting poignancy of the "my life is a dark hellacious pit" moment
1 alarmingly leaky propane tank; which must be disconnected from stove with every use; or else it's "look-it mommy, pyrotechnics" time
1 tea towel placed strategically on adjacent burner
1 pack of extra-long matches, in perfect working order

Instructions:

Proceed at will. Please note, however, that you will not have realised the full crunchy coffee experience if you do not, during the course of things, achieve the following:

Receive a mild electric shock from busted arse coffee maker; which may, or may not, have something to do with the puddle next to the transformer
Burn thumb and forefinger with match while; wondering why there isn't any gas coming out, figuring out that the tank needs to be hooked up, hooking up the tank, turning on the wrong burner, staring uncomprehendingly at stove for a few seconds, correcting mistake, shrieking in alarm/pain/generalised disgust...
Mop up after 1 boiled over pot of water+coffee grinds with tea towel
Add more water
Leave kitchen momentarily to google recipe for wholewheat bread
Receive a 404 error
Flambé the tea towel
Scream like a little girl, grab towel and fling it into sink
Strain ~~sludge~~ coffee while studiously refusing to speculate on source of notable stains on basket of stainless steel strainer
Slurp down a thoroughly unsatisfying mug of high fibre crunchy coffee
Remark 2 hours thence, "Hmm, I smell - oh shit! Fuck! Gas!"
Attempt to email The Man in order to share pain and watch the message go no-effing-where, thanks to those effing bastards at the effing phone company
Attempt to post episode in order to share pain and watch post go no-effing... [sigh]
Acknowledge the futility of situation
Make fresh cup of crunchy coffee

Intermittent Friday Pseudo Cat Bloggin'

2006-05-19T00:01:00.000-04:00

1 mama cat + 1 litter of puppies = cute ∞

Loosed Words: For the man...

2006-05-18T14:35:00.000-04:00

-2
- by Richard Brautigan

Everybody wants to go to bed
with everybody else, they're
lined up for blocks, so I'll
go to bed with you. They won't
miss us.

Cont'd Ed: Erotic photography anyone?

2006-05-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

From MikeyandMandy.com comes an amusing, detailed and extremely NSFW tutorial on "How to Take Better Dirty Pictures" (Well at least they're being honest. :D):

I'm starting with the assumption that you are shooting with a digital camera...You must have a camera that takes 4 or 5 million pixel photos...If you are serious you will need a single lens reflex camera with changeable lenses and an add-on flash...There are four things you get with this set-up: 1: a flash to bounce off the ceiling, 2: a choice of "wide" or "long" lenses. 3: it shoots FAST and often, with no delay or pause between shots. (This is important when your model is rolling around like a cat in heat and you're trying to capture the action)...

(Link via Boing Boing, Image credit: Mikey?)

Meow baby, me-ow. Hey, just in case you missed the warning, this is NSFW; moreover, if you're too young to visit that page it's all on you, 'cause I ain't nobody's mama. Comprendez?

Save the internet: The rationale

2006-05-17T03:49:00.000-04:00

OR,

"Fight the Power"

New York University Professor of culture and communication, Siva Vaidhyanathan; in an interview with Brooke Gladstone of On the Media; explains why net neutrality is essential to the consumer and why American ISPs want to see the back of it:

They're rational actors...They're trying to maximize the rents they can charge...And so, like any rational company, they've spent a tremendous amount of money on lawyers and lobbyists, and they have the ear of Congress. So that has tilted the debate...

There are a couple of different ways to look at this. There's the romantic way, right? The romantic way is that we want to have the Internet as the wild frontier for entrepreneurship, and that's a strong case. There's also the liberal free speech argument, which says we want the Internet to be a level playing field so a variety of voices can enter the public sphere. That's a fairly strong argument. But then you've got the economic argument, which is those of us who write checks every month to these companies, we want to be able to know that we are getting decent service for what we're paying. If my broadband company next week starts dialing down my Skype speed so Skype doesn't work as well for me, I might not even know it or notice it for a long time, until Skype starts frustrating me, and out of frustration, I'm just going to pick up my old phone and dial India the old-fashioned way and just pay for it because I know the call's going to go through. That's the sort of frustration and opacity we might start seeing on the Internet. So it is a service question, a competition question, an economic development question, a consumer question. And it really is dollars and cents.

(Link, Audio Clip, Image credit: NYU)

Look here, I've got enough tsoris dealing with my own ISP's ~~bullshit~~ idiosyncracies - yeah let's call 'em that - idiosyncracies; without having this sort of excessively vòwas¹ thinking taking root in the Western Hemisphere. Now, now; before you start smarting off about me being a commie-pinko again; just hear me out. I've no problem with a little corporate greed. All things in moderation, I say. But this thing, this Communications Opportunity Promotion and Efficiency (COPE) Act of 2006 and the other similarly ill begotten bits of paper floating about Capitol Hill, is dog-and-his-bone type foolishness. So it's no wonder why I've got anarchist rap lyrics stuck in my head.

Got to give us what we want
Gotta give us what we need
Our freedom of speech is freedom or death
We got to fight the powers that be
Lemme hear you say
Fight the power

'Nuff said America? 'Cause I can't do a gosh darned thing about this except bitch, what with being a Caribbean national and all. We clear? Good. Now go harass a Congressman. Not sure who your representatives are? Call 202-224-3121 and ask nicely. While you're at it you might want to drop your reps a note or five reminding them of the upcoming November polls. They're really busy people, so they might have forgotten.

----------

¹ vòwas=greedy (Kwéyòl)

Anime Tchatchki: "Ahhh! She blinded me with science!"

2006-05-17T01:40:00.000-04:00

From the delightfully twisted people at The Frown; an episode of We Are Robots entitled "Gothbot":Click the pic to view short.

Did you get kicked in the head as a child?

2006-05-16T00:29:00.000-04:00

I'm considering a radical career change, which of course means the running of the inevitable interview gauntlet. So, being a googlephile, I decided to poke about for some tips - and found the following:

BBC

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL

Friday, 01 February 2002

Mr D Paul...

Dear Mr Paul

VACANCY REFERENCE: 52600 WEB PRODUCER REGION: GLOUCESTER

Thank you for submitting your application for the Web Producer role located in Gloucester.

I am now writing, with regret, to inform you that your name has not been placed on the shortlist of candidates to be invited for interview. I am sorry if this is disappointing for you.

We heard about your previous Internet projects, and, quite frankly, you scare us.

You may also like to note that calling our head of human resources a "skank ho" does not gain you any plus points when being shortlisted for a position.

Yours sincerely,

Hilary Oliver...

So let's recap. Calling a potential superior a "skank ho" - bad. Hmmm... Okaaaaay... But, but, what if she is a skank... Nevermind. Good. I'm all set now.

Clickez-Ici: Awsome game commercials and other stuff

2006-05-15T00:03:00.000-04:00

OR,

What did we ever do before YouTube?

I don't play video games. Puhleeze... I've little enough time as it is and there's that stack of novels in the corner; but this collection of vids is muy amusing. This is a clickez-ici post so y'all should know what to do. Just click the pics to view.

"Mortal Kombat Ist Da!" Obligatorily loud German ad for the SNES version.

2003 Japanese themed Nintendo commercial for Super Mario 3 (?)

"It's Nintendo Sixty-foooooooooour!" Two kids on the gaming version of smack - or something.

Gamer losing his damned mind after beating level 60 of World of Warcraft.

Things to do when you're incensed: Save the internet

2006-05-14T06:28:00.000-04:00

US law makers are currently moving to end net neutrality, which would set an alarming precedent for the rest of us in the Americas; and believe you me Caribbean nationals our ISPs will be more than happy to join on the bandwagon.

Congress is pushing a law that would abandon the Internet's First Amendment -- a principle called Network Neutrality that prevents companies like AT&T, Verizon and Comcast from deciding which Web sites work best for you -- based on what site pays them the most.

(Link)

So following the Martian Anthropologist's lead here are a few Sunday "Things to do".

Things:

Watch the video.
Read "Why You Should Care About Network Neutrality".
Blog about the issue. No blog? No problem. The office water cooler will serve. Just don't be silent.
Link to SaveTheInternet.com on your blog.
If you're a US citizen nag your boys (and girls) in Congress.
Email,the corporate bigwigs at your ISP to make sure they know you're not down with this move. Remember, you're the consumer. Your $ = Clout

Things to do when you're bored: Fun with US Law Enforcement

2006-05-14T00:05:00.000-04:00

Thing: Poke about your text file boneyard for a weekend giggle. I've no idea where I found this joke, so props to the unnamed owner.

LAPD, FBI, CIA

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Drop Dead Gorgeous: Happy feet

2006-05-13T00:01:00.000-04:00

"When I was just a little girl" (cue Doris Day in the background), it was not an uncommon thing to hear the time worn adage, "A woman must suffer for beauty". Even then, I thought it was a load of guff. After all, this was before the advent of the metro-sexual, and I didn't see any men putting themselves through any torturous beauty regimen on my behalf. So here goes, the first installment in the Drop Dead Gorgeous series; from the Australian Museum Online, a first hand account of foot-binding:

...my feet were bound when I was six years old...

My grandmother took about one metre of white cloth which was woven by herself at home and divided it into three long one-metre strips, then the binding started. She left my big toe, and folded down the rest of the toes under the sole of the foot and then used the strips to tie it in many layers... You can imagine, a six-year-old girl's feet and how delicate they were, but if they were tied very tightly and changed the natural shape, how painful it must be... With the pain of the feet, I was forced to push around a big rock used as a mill for grinding. I walked and walked, step by step, many, many circuits in order to form the binding cone shape and to make the process more efficient. The suffering is really beyond people's imagination.

A few years later, the Revolutionary Party broke into the unenlightened village. The members of the Party spread the idea of revolution which included women's liberation. They tried to stop men wearing plaits and women's feet binding. They went to every house and checked and forced the girls whose feet had been bound to remove the strips of cloth...

When the feet were unbound, my sisters and I cried, because of the pain which was caused by the unbinding. But when my grandmother rebound our feet, it would be more painful and we cried again.

(Link, Image credit:Candace Hutchins, Song credit:Que Sera, Sera)

"When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother
What will I be
Will I be pretty..." Careful how you answer that question mommy.

Addendum:
For Abeni->A further glimpse into the deleterious effects of foot binding:

But besides just the pain of the process, there were many after affects that were detrimental to the young girls' health. The pain of the bound feet never stopped. The most common consequence was infection (Hwang 1). There were many ways a girl could get an infection. One was the ball of the foot would folding directly into the heel. A second was that the toenails continued to grow, eventually curling into the skin. This led to flesh rotting off, and sometimes even a toe. The worst part of the process was that the feet would practically die after three years. The feet being dead caused a terrible smell the girl carried with her everywhere (Chinese Footwear 1). Diseases followed infections, and death could even result from foot binding (Hwang 1).
...
The women who had their feet bound were more likely to fall, less able to squat and less able to rise from a sitting position in their older years. The combination of the lower hip bone density, along with the fact women with bound feet were more likely to fall, put these women at an extremely high risk for hip fractures...

(Link)

Loosed Words: Can u dig?

2006-05-12T00:08:00.000-04:00

<< I'm A Jazz Singer, >> She Replied
- by James A. Emanuel

He dug what she said:
bright jellies, smooth marmalade
spread on warm brown bread.

"Jazz" from drowsy lips
orchids lift to honeybees
floating on long sips.

"Jazz": quick fingerpops
pancake on a griddle-top
of memories. Stop.

"Jazz": mysterious
as nutmeg, missing fingers,
gold, Less serious.

"Jazz": cool bannister.
Don't need no stair. Ways to climb
when the sax is there.

Anime Tchatchki: Bang a gong!

2006-05-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

Excellent flash short, using rotoscoped images and sounds made with everyday objects, with a kinda Stomp, Blue Man feel to it. Click image to watch dustball's "Play".

May the pox...

2006-05-10T03:00:00.000-04:00

Yes, you heard me. May the full extent of my, thus far, impotent poxy wrath be visited upon a certain Saint Lucian ISP. Guess which? Easy, there's only the one. May this Lucian ISP, with its outrageously over-subscribed and Saint Lucia Jazz co-opted service, suffer a judiciously painful drop in revenues. Say - oh - a couple of million bucks or so. Eastern Caribbean Dollars, of course - I do have a heart - for lying bare faced to me for the past 3 weeks about the state of my ~~intermittent~~ unlimited high speed, well it says so on the invoice, internet connection. Excuse while I open the windows to air the room out after that bit.

As mentioned the annual Saint Lucia Jazz is in full swing. It used to be called the Saint Lucia Jazz Festival, but they dropped the last word a couple of years or so 'cause it was too much for the drink sodden ~~Rent-a-Dread~~ Jazz enthusiasts to remember. Not that I'm criticising mind. I too was a bit wet this past weekend, so I'm in no position to judge. I don't have much to say about our "premier music festival" save that, Seal and Babyface are supposed to be in town but have thus far not seen it fit to ring me up for drinks.

Additionally I'd like to respectfully suggest, 'cause I eh need no more damned trouble down here than I already have, that the local organising committee be obliged, upon pain of dismissal, to submit to an intensive musical re-education seminar from which they would glean the ability to distinguish between Jazz and - oh say - dance hall reggae, soca, pop, r&b, chop sticks embedded in the brain pan via in one's inner ear...

Snark of the Week: Sticking it to the man - in style.

2006-05-07T16:32:00.000-04:00

OR,

A little snarkery goes a long way.

Kiwi Justin Lee on why the cops should just forget about this whole speeding ticket thing.

I had a most excellent weekend, but that is not why I'm writing to you at this time...

Firstly, the "date of offence" is listed as the 23rd of June 1974 with the time being at or around half past six in the evening...coincidentally - I was born on that day...

For me to have traveled from Porirua to the foot of the BombaY Hills just out of Auckland by six thirty, I would had to have crawled into the first car in the hospital parking lot and headed for Auckland at around 1,000km/h...

This is where it starts getting really strange. The car that I must have crawled into had the same license plate as the one I have how...However, my car is a dark gray Nissan Bluebird SSS...You will notice that a time-travel option is not included on this model, so that rules out any "Back to the Future" issues and the car I was driving back then could not have been the one I drive today.

(Link)

Needless to say he got off. Go read the entire letter. It's brillant stuff, and proof positive that a true snark is the soul of civility.

Woof, arf, whatever: Sympathy for a bitch...

2006-05-05T00:05:00.000-04:00

OR,

Honey, how 'bout an epidural?

Bjorn Carey expounds on what make a good hyena mommy and why she's always in a bad mood.

Alpha females give a hormone boost to their developing cubs, making them more aggressive when fighting for food and increasing their chances of survival...The dose of androgen that she received from her own alpha mother damages her ovaries, making it difficult to conceive.

It also causes female reproductive organs to grow. A lot. Her clitoris, which contains the birthing canal, protrudes 7 inches from her body.

"Imagine giving birth through a penis," said study co-author Kay Holekamp of Michigan State University. "It's really weird genitalia, but it seems to work. Although giving birth through a 'penis' isn't a trivial problem."

The clitoris' birth canal is only an inch in diameter, and the tissue often tears as a 2-pound cub squeezes through the narrow opening.

(Link)

Well you'd find it difficult to be all sunshine and buttercups too if you had to go through that.

Loosed Words: Japanese shorts

2006-05-04T00:04:00.000-04:00

Selected tanka
-by Ono no Komachi

In the waking world
you must, I suppose, take care,
but how it pains me
that you should keep out of sight
even in the realm of dreams.

Yielding to a love
that recognizes no bounds,
I will go by night --
for the world will not censure
one who treads the path of dreams.

(Link)

Anime Tchatchki: 'Ware things that look human

2006-05-03T00:51:00.000-04:00

Robert Morgan, utilizing live action cut with stop-motion animation, presents a creepy little film called "Cat With Hands".Click pic to watch short.

Clickez-Ici: Doodles?

2006-05-02T20:05:00.000-04:00

This is a genuine Clickez post 'cause I've no idea how to categorize this find. There are illustrations and there are bits of prose (?)... Oh just go see 'em. Click the pic to view Quiet Time: Creatures.

If I call to play,

she puts me forever off.
I am the friend she wants when everyone else has gone home.
Then she calls me out in all her eagerness. Always,
I must come to her, without hesitation, lest I hurt her feelings.
Always, I must bring something, a gift that is delicious or bright.
Always, these tiny rules to make her smile, to wake her from her stupor, to rouse
her from this laziness and recognize my worth.

She knows me better than anyone

(Link via Spitting Image)

Babbling brook of consciousness...

2006-05-01T00:04:00.000-04:00

I've had Sasha Cohen's "I'd like to move it" stuck in my head for 2 days now. No clue as to why. Or perhaps I do; but, well, some things are too embarrassing to discuss. The point is that the song led me to thoughts of the movie, Madagascar; which led me to thoughts of the self-proclaimed King of the Lemurs, Julian; which led me to question what the heck is a "fousa" anyway? Which led me to google (small "g" 'cause I'm using it as a verb) "fousa" while playing the song. Good times. Practically a gouranga moment. Which was a good thing, because I learnt two things.

Thing 1: There is no such thing as a "fousa".

Thing 2: But there is such a thing as a "fossa".

"Fousa" is a fictional character in Dreamworks' film MADAGASCAR. Fousa is based on a real-life animal found in Madagascar called the Fossa (pronounced "foo sa").

The fossa is a carnivore that is related to a mongoose and looks like a cross between a puma and a dog. Fossas are nocturnal creatures that hunt almost any animal including insects, reptiles, rodents and lemurs. They also prey on chickens in and around Malagasy villages and are hunted by local people as vermin.

(Link, Photo: Julie Maher)

Cute little bastard ain't? Wonder if you can house break 'em. 'Cause those Lucian rats are a sumofabitch. And I bet they'd fix dem terrorist chickens right up. Trick 'em out with a nice little harness. Go for walks and stuff. Hmmm? And now back to the tunage. "Us like to move it, move it. Us like to - move it!"

An Aussie, a Brit, a Canuck and a Yank walk into a bar...

2006-04-30T13:19:00.000-04:00

OR,

Cultural differences as explained by some bloke in a newsgroup....

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

(Read the entire thing HERE)

"G" is for "Gouranga"!

2006-04-28T23:13:00.000-04:00

Here it is, and it's a long time in coming, the first gouranga post of the year. This clip's been up at YouTube since the sixth but I've only got wind of it 'cause it just got boinged. What is it you ask? (Presuming that you're not already watching the thing.) It's a bloody brilliant spoof of the "V for Vendetta" trailer, featuring characters we all know and love, entitled "C for Cookie" . Oh, and no talking smack about Bert and Ernie. Some things are sacred damnit! [mutter]Hope this foolish embedded thing-a-ma-bob works.[/mutter]

Things to do when you're bored: Blame Brendan

2006-04-28T22:33:00.000-04:00

It's too damned early in the week for one of these but I just popped over to Letting Loose... and couldn't resist.

take the WHAT BAD BOOK ARE YOU test.

and go to mewing.net. not as good as reading a good book, but way better than a bad one.

Ok, I'll admit it. I deliberately skewed my results. Couldn't be helped. Had to be done. If only to annoy Mr Mystic. Cue evil laugh.

I have work to do, but...

2006-04-27T11:51:00.000-04:00

Radmila's posted a meme and has apparently tagged anyone who managed to cast their eye in the general direction of the thing. Apparently the lady believes in neither surgical strikes nor following the rules. The object of said meme is to:

Divulge six random things about yourself, then tag six people and so perpetuate this degradation /humiliation /boredom throughout the blogworld.

I wear size 7 - 7 ½ shoes, but only because I have extraordinarily short toes.
I completely fail to see the point of purse dogs. They're small. They're yippy. You have to feed them. And they're good for absolutely nothing at all.
Once, back in my primary school days, Standard 4 to be exact (don't ask me which grade, I don't do conversions) a girlfriend and I spotted a rather pretty lad, truly beautiful, of about our age (ten or eleven-ish) and surreptitiously tailed him all over town for almost 2 hours. We giggled a lot. He never spotted us. I believe they call that stalking now.
A ringing telephone is merely an invitation to dialogue, not an obligation to respond.
I was denounced during a Sociology lecture by my entire class for being a commie-pinko for sagaciously remarking, well I thought so, upon the fall of the Berlin Wall that quote; "Well it's all terribly exciting, isn't it? But I hope you lot realise that we're all proper fucked now." Needless to say, I haven't been to any of my college reunions.
I was raised in a staunchly Judaeo-Christian household, name of the denomination withheld out of sheer peevishness, by parents who demanded that I "reason out my faith". I was an obedient child. Obedient to the very letter of their words. That'll show them.

Right... Well if I can play along so can you. There's no need to tag, since only six of you read this thing anyway. So just leave the permalinks to your lists in the comment thingy, and we can all get real personal. :D

Loosed Words: Let's get carpe freaky diem!

2006-04-27T03:38:00.000-04:00

To His Coy Mistress
-by Andrew Marvell

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, Lady, were no crime
We would sit down and think which way
To walk and pass our long love's day.
Thou by the Indian Ganges' side
Shouldst rubies find: I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood,
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow;
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, Lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.

Read more...But at my back I always hear
Time's wingèd chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song: then worms shall try
That long preserved virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust:
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may,
And now, like amorous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour
Than languish in his slow-chapt power.
Let us roll all our strength and all
Our sweetness up into one ball,
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life:
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.

I'm rofflingly tempted to dub this one, "A puritan angles for some bootay". Well, it's a damned sight better than "Your place or mine", no?

Anime Tchatchki: Talking heads

2006-04-26T00:53:00.000-04:00

Click the pic to watch Mark Fiore's "Coverage Interruptus":

Is profiling okay, when we do it to ourselves?

2006-04-25T17:58:00.000-04:00

OR,

More fun with Caribbean nationals...

A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that because he was wearing his seat belt he had just won $5,000 in the Province safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I goin' get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the Trini woman in the passenger's seat. "He's a smart donkey when he drunk."

This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we was not gonna get far in dis thiefin car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, "Yow!, I man mek it 'crass di barder yet?"

The Canadian Highway Patrolman smiled, and handed the $5,000 check to the driver. "I always loved the island talk,but I could never understand it. Have a nice day."

(Thanks Spammin' Auntie)

Clickez-Ici: Molten beauty

2006-04-24T08:55:00.000-04:00

From Canadian photographer Edward Burtynsky, the Tailings Series:Shown is "Nickel Tailings #30", shot back in 1996 in Sudbury, Ontario. Click image to view the series.

Things to do when you've taken leave of your senses...

2006-04-23T18:16:00.000-04:00

OR,

Gestapo disorientation techniques...

Thing: Rouse yours truly from a migraine and drug induced soporific stupor by means of a manful prodding (from a cowardly distance, I might add) having been foiled in previous attempts by government issue earplugs, eye mask and equine sized doses of codeine; to announce in all earnestness:

Something is wrong with the internet, I can't open my page.

Which when translated from Asshat, in case you were wondering, means:

Look out! The sky is falling! It's 4:30pm EST on a Sunday afternoon and I can't get into my Yahoo mail account.

A word of warning: This is the sort of episode which ends with the local evening news bobblehead emoting something of the like:

Neighbours expressed shock, and yes, even a little awe over the carnage; with one elderly gentleman noting:

[quote]She seemed like such a nice girl. Mmm mmm... You just never know. So quiet too...[endquote]

Snark of the Week (Round 2): The answer is 42, you bonehead!

2006-04-21T00:19:00.000-04:00

This week had a rather high snark content, so here are a few more:

MIT Prof patters on about the universe being a computer (no word on the mice, or dolphins for that matter), and things get snippy over at Digg.
Wrong, the universe is really an intense and immensely complex hallucination experienced by a 17 year old Belgian kid on a potent mix of Psilocybe Cubensis mushrooms and LSD. Upon coming down from this trip (while simultaneously nullifying all of existence), this kid will mark the end of our universe with the words "Dude, that was fucking trippy", then raid his mom's fridge for the last bag of Doritos.

Of course, you can't prove or disprove my belief and i'm no more qualified than the rest of you to speculate on it, but the fact that I suggest such a thing is surely newsworthy and worth a digg....or is it?
(Link)

The critics are all eh over Julia Roberts' Broadway debut.
The New York Times' Ben Brantley wrote "She's stiff with self-consciousness (especially in the first act), only glancingly acquainted with the two characters she plays and so deeply, disturbingly beautiful that you don't want to let her out of your sight." He also compared her to a lamppost.
(Link)

The Rude Pundit's "Three Signs That Your Superpower Is Becoming a Cheap Rip-Off of the Soviet Union"
Members of the party in power pledge allegiance to their party's own symbol. At a GOP dinner in San Diego, the fine Republican attendees stood like good meerkats and began to say the Pledge of Allegiance until some observant Pavlovian diner noticed that there was no, you know, American flag to pledge to. "Pledge to the elephant," shouted one quick-thinking GOPer, and all the pledgers, including weepy Rep. Darrell Issa, turned to say the pledge to a starred and striped elephant banner.
(Link)

That's it. I'm done. Honest.

Snark of the Week: Lo, the poor huddled masses?

2006-04-21T00:13:00.000-04:00

A humble chupacabra tells of his misguided attempt to cross over from Méjico at 16, dressed in a Tweety Bird suit; and speaks out in defense of his 11 million fellow unauthorized migrants including 15, similarly hopeful, goat suckers.

I am writing to you from a small cave somewhere in the American Southwest, my humble home since 1996...

I understand that after the terrorist attacks on this country, Americans are nervous about protecting their borders, but we must remember that this is a country built by immigrants! You may deride the Mexicans and los Chubacabras now, but remember how the Italians were treated when they came here. Or the Irish. Or the Chinese. They were all considered swarthy, shifty, un-American immigrants at one time. Now, these groups make up the backbone of society and own many, many goats that I will suck on.

I am so tired of hearing American citizens talk about how the illegal immigrants are coming in and taking their jobs from them. Come on! If we weren't illegal, you wouldn't be able to get away with paying us next to nothing. And do you really want to have those jobs? ... I mean, can you imagine your typical New York stockbroker having to sneak onto a farmer's property in the middle of the night and quietly drink the blood of five goats? Forget about it!

(Link)

Now admit it, his argument has some merit, neh?

Loosed Words: Of miracles and missed opportunities

2006-04-20T11:49:00.000-04:00

On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning
by - Haruki Murakami

One beautiful April morning, on a narrow side street in Tokyo's fashionable Harujuku neighborhood, I walked past the 100% perfect girl.

Tell you the truth, she's not that good-looking. She doesn't stand out in any way. Her clothes are nothing special. The back of her hair is still bent out of shape from sleep. She isn't young, either - must be near thirty, not even close to a "girl," properly speaking. But still, I know from fifty yards away: She's the 100% perfect girl for me. The moment I see her, there's a rumbling in my chest, and my mouth is as dry as a desert.

(Link)

Anime Tchatchki: Le Building

2006-04-19T00:33:00.000-04:00

A wickedly funny tale of consequences, created by a team of 5 Gobelins students, commissioned for the opening of the 2005 Annecy International Animation Festival.CAUTION: Accidental kitty death!

Clickez-ici: Wide open spaces

2006-04-18T07:38:00.000-04:00

From his Silentium group, a Thorsten Schimmel shot of the Long Room at Trinity College Library, Dublin, Ireland.Click the pic to visit the gallery.

The art of politics?

2006-04-17T00:36:00.000-04:00

Why even bother contemplating this:

"Politics is the art of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable."
- John Galbraith

When we can just turn a deaf ear to this:

"Perhaps we could put aside our national, ongoing, post-9/11 Muslim butt-kissing contest and get on with the business at hand: Bombing Syria back to the stone age and then permanently disarming Iran."
- Ann Coulter, Muslim Bites Dog